


falsettos texting shit fic

by bitchassfuckhead



Category: Falsettos - Lapine/Finn
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Texting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-19
Updated: 2019-03-19
Packaged: 2019-11-24 17:50:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 1,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18168248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bitchassfuckhead/pseuds/bitchassfuckhead
Summary: heheheheh modern au obviously cos smart phones I'm on crack let's do it





	1. Chapter 1

1:37PM

jason: hey whiz?

whizzer: what's up buddy?

jason: can we talk about earlier??

whizzer: I don't know what you're talking about.

jason: I think you do

whizzer: okay fine what 

jason: do you..  
jason: have a hair pulling kink?

whizzer: Jason  
whizzer: just because my hair got your hoodie zipper when I bent down and i accidentally moaned does not mean i have a hair pulling kink

jason: hmm sure...

1:40PM

jason: hey dad? 

marvin: yeah kiddo?

jason: does whizzer have a hair pulling kink?

marvin: ......  
marvin: yes.

Jason took a screenshot! 

1:44PM

*jason shared an image*

jason: "does not mean I have a hair pulling kink" my ass 

whizzer: your father is a traitor 

jason: I've been done knew


	2. bitch ass full of snow

7:01PM

mendel: hey, we might be late getting over there, the snow is picking up.

trina: we'll likely be there in an hour 

whizzer: be careful  
whizzer: or you're gonna be stuck in a bitch ass full of snow 

marvin: what?

whizzer: that sounded better in my head 

jason: honestly tho  
jason: how could that possibly sound better 

whizzer: you think i know things?

jason: no

whizzer: fair enough.


	3. jasons diary ass shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehehe this isnt texting but it's sad:)

hey whizzer,   
you never deserved this, it isn't fair, nothing's fair.   
I miss you, we all do. we're coping in our own ways, mom busies herself by paying attention to me, mendel isnt talking about his feelings, isnt that ironic? charlotte is working herself to death, shes trying to cure what killed you. cordeila is cooking and baking so much we can never go a day without getting food from her. and dad... he isnt doing so well, he's been locking himself up in the apartment, he'll barely talk to anyone, I'm surprised he wasnt turned to drinking.  
we just miss you so much whizzer, I wish you were still here, still alive, still being your awesome carefree self.

love, jason


	4. letting go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more angst:)

Whizzer was dying. everybody knew it, even if they didn't want to admit it, it was still gonna happen. Nothing anyone could do to stop it. Nobody wanted to believe it was the end for their friend who was just a shell of the man he used to be.

No more sarcastic remarks, no more energy to laugh at jokes he would once cry of laughter from. Whizzer wasn't Whizzer anymore, he was just in the same body, his once strong and fit body is now frail and weak.

They'd be surprised if he made it to the end of the week.

Whizzer was a fighter, he didn't give up easily, but even he knew there was no use in fighting it anymore. he couldn't hold on any longer, his grip was slipping. He didn't want to let go just yet, he wanted to stay strong, for the people he was so lucky to call his family, he needed to stay strong for Marvin, the man who was with him every step of the way, For Jason, the smartest person he knew, the kid who brought him light and hope. For Mendel, who he had so much hope for. For Trina, he broke apart her family and she was still there for him. For Charlotte, the woman who was trying so damn hard to save him. For Cordelia, the sweet woman who tries to cheer him up by baking treats for him.

For his beautiful family.

It wasn't much of a shock when Whizzer died, but that didn't make it hurt any less.

it was during Jason's Bar Mitzvah, when Whizzer collapsed into Marvin's arms, he reached over to touch Jason for the last time. "Thank you" he whispered as his thoughts came rushing in, 'thank you for knocking some sense into your father' 'thank you for showing me the wonderful in people'he thought to himself, 'and thank you for being you' was the last thought he ever had, then it all went black.

That was when Whizzer finally let go.


	5. disappointed but no surprised

11:24PM

whizzer: okay okay yall  
whizzer: I got some news it's very important 

jason: what is it?

whizzer: marvin's gayyy

marvin: whaaat noooo  
marvin: how'd you get that crazy idea?

whizzer: because I said 

whizzer: I'm sorry you guys had to find out like this 

trina: hmm totally didn't find out when I caught him grabbing your ass

whizzer: damn it really do be like that

trina: k cool

1:49AM

whizzer: sometimes 

2:06AM

marvin: sometimes what??

whizzer: yeah  
whizzer: u picking up what I'm putting down

jason: totally

whizzer: dont u have school???

jason: y e s ?

marvin: go? to? bed???

whizzer: dont put that many questions marks 

jason: disappointed but not surprised 

whizzer: hahaha @ my mom when she had me ;) 

marvin: jfc


	6. lesbians are just dick vegans

2:33AM

whizzer: lesbians are just dick vegans  
whizzer: :)

2:57AM 

whizzer: technically wouldnt ketchup be a smoothie?

3:41AM

whizzer: how do u spell w

11:19AM 

jason: what a great influence whiz

whizzer: sH I'm sleposinf

marvin: man I dont know about you guys but I love sleposinf

whizzer: fuck  
whizzer: off 

charlotte: "lesbians are just dick vegans" ??? what in the shit 

whizzer: im very tired   
whizzer: and technically not wrong sjsjjsjsjsus


	7. falsettos characters as things my friends have said

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ik it isnt texting but heehheeueue

Whizzer: I told her she looks like shes sucking dick and she got mad at me

Marvin: some days I'm like wow I'm a little bitch, other days I'm like wow im still a little bitch

Whizzer: I don't have enough money for food but I have enough money for cocaine

Jason: *burps* thank you for coming to my ted talk

Cordelia: why is the brush not working? (charlotte) because it's a comb and you're doing it backwards

Mendel: *talking about a patient* her name is marry jane and she eats dog food

Jason: what's love backwards? (whizzer) evil

Whizzer: wow you're popping pills its only eleven

Marvin: stop having a seizure god its halloween lighten up 

Trina: call marvin (whizzer) okay, siri call debra

Whizzer: if chef boyardee asked to eat my ass I wouldn't say no 

Whizzer: its not making money off dumb people it's making money off horny people 

Jason: did you just call me a cock tease cause I rick rolled you?

Charlotte: I bet you googled nicholas cages feet before 

Trina: dont you hate it when you're trying to make a pb&j and you slit your wrists and die 

Charlotte: death smiles at us and all we can do is smile back 

Mendel: hold my hand and we can do marriage

Charlotte: look at us sitting around letting america happen 

Whizzer: I can chug really good so I'll be fun at parties


	8. heheueuueuehe

7:33AM

cordelia: Babe do you like me?

charlotte: Of course I do! we're dating.

cordelia: No, I mean like like.

charlotte: Cordelia, we've been together nearly 3 years of course I "like like" you. 

cordelia: Cool! thanks for clearing it up! :)


	9. pulp all the way babey

4:29PM

charlotte: so I got a question.

trina: okay what is it??

charlotte: orange juice   
charlotte: pulp or no pulp 

trina: pulp all the way babey 

jason: ew gross mom  
jason: I didnt raise a pulp drinker 

whizzer: okay first off, no.  
whizzer: second of all orange juice is nasty don't @ me.

cordelia: I like lemonade more

mendel: we stan

marvin: did you just say that 

mendel: we stan?

jason: stand back I think I'm gonna vomit 

mendel: I'll bring a trashcan!

jason: cool   
jason: he actually brought me a trashcan but whatever 

whizzer: aww you finally found your long lost brother 

jason: shuT UP


	10. when ur gay and u wipe ur ass

11:39PM

jason: whizzer   
jason: I have an important question 

whizzer: okay what is it

jason: fellas  
jason: is it gay to wipe ur ass 

whizzer: oh   
whizzer: okay 

jason: well is it???

whizzer: yeah sure its gay

jason: goddamn it   
jason: no girls gonna hook up with me if I'm gay

whizzer: no shit

jason: she'll think all I do is stick my dick in other dudes dick

cordelia: I dont think that's how it works but okay 

marvin: when ur gay and u wipe ur ass 

whizzer: when ur gay and u wipe ur ass

marvin: 💕💕💕💕💕

cordelia: when ur gay and u wipe ur ass

charlotte: when ur gay and u wipe ur ass

jason: when ur gay and u wipe ur ass

whizzer: when ur gay and u wipe ur ass

marvin: when ur gay and u wipe ur ass

mendel: when ur gay and u wipe ur ass

trina: dear god I'm surrounded by literal children


	11. get well soon bitch

2:57AM

whizzer: marvin  
whizzer: if you had the chance would you smash patrick swayze 

read at 3:01

whizzer: I know you're awake jackass  
whizzer: not texting my sexy ass back is a disease get well soon bitch


	12. the pancake incident

7:39AM

marvin: whizzer

whizzer: mhmm 

marvin: why is there a pancake in the silverware drawer

whizzer: I think you mean why is there silverware in the pancake drawer

charlotte: I get the feeling you guys forget this is a groupchat

jason: umm so I can confirm whizzer 100% put a pancake in the drawer


	13. characters a things my friends have said pt 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ;)

Whizzer: my toes are cold  
Marvin: want me to suck em warm?  
———————  
Jason: don’t think i’m beyond eating a candle  
———————  
Whizzer: what should my stripper name be  
———————  
Jason: speak of the devil and he may arrive  
———————  
Charlotte: i was once at a pool party and a man asked me if the water was wet enough  
———————  
Whizzer: i only see half a fake ass bitch  
———————  
Jason: i just drank a whole tupperware of soup  
———————  
Mendel: can you imagine if horses had toes  
———————  
Jason: i have school tomorrow.....let’s get fucking killed  
———————  
Trina: if you don’t stop yelling you need to stop   
———————  
Mendel: i smacked his butt  
Trina: a smack on the butt is not a punch in the face   
Mendel: i’m not gonna punch the dog in the face   
———————


	14. ~meryl streep~

Cordelia: Whizzer, listen.  
Cordelia: You know we love you and Marvin.

Whizzer: do u tho?

Cordelia: Yes.  
Cordelia: As i was saying, we love you both but me and Charlotte are trying to have a romantic dinner and that is very hard to do when you guys are blasting Mamma Mia. So please, for our sake, turn it down.

Whizzer: but wouldn’t u guys rather listen to the master piece that is meryl streeps voice while enjoying ur meal?

Cordelia: No, not really.

Whizzer: well damn :(


End file.
